A love letter to my irrational brain, which is just trying its best.

Let’s take a gentle stroll through the woods of my psyche—don’t worry, it’s well-lit, there are snacks, and the poodles are here for emotional support. Today’s topic: my biggest fears, ranked not by severity (FYI).

💀 1. Death & Dying: The Classic Crowd Favorite

Look, I know this one is universal, but my brain treats it like a hobby. Some people collect stamps; I collect intrusive thoughts about mortality while brushing my teeth.

I’ll be minding my business, doing something wholesome like folding laundry, when suddenly my brain whispers, “One day you won’t exist.”
Thank you, brain. Very cool. Very relaxing.

I try to comfort myself by imagining I’ll become a ghost who lightly haunts people by rearranging their throw pillows. If I must go, I’m going with cozy chaos.

🎈 2. Balloons: The Silent Menace

Some people see balloons and think “party.”
I see balloons and think “unpredictable airborne landmines.”

They sit there, all shiny and innocent, but at any moment—any moment—they could explode with the emotional force of a thousand jump scares. And don’t even get me started on people who twist balloon animals. Why would you willingly handle a pressurized rubber bomb? Why?

If you ever see me at a birthday party, just know I’m smiling through the fear.

🕷️ 3. Spiders: Eight Legs Too Many

I respect nature. I love nature. I do not love nature when it enters my home.

Spiders always show up like they’re delivering bad news. They don’t walk—they arrive. And they always choose the worst possible moment:

• Shower time
• Bedtime
• Any time I’m home alone and feeling emotionally fragile

I don’t kill them because I’m a good person (and also because James saves them and their precious, yucky lives).

🧗 4. Heights: Because Gravity Has Never Been My Friend

I don’t trust anything that requires me to be more than two feet off the ground. Ladders? No. Ferris wheels? Absolutely not. Glass floors in tall buildings? Jail.

My legs turn to overcooked noodles the moment I’m elevated. I once climbed a small hill and immediately began drafting my will. I’m not built for vertical adventures. I’m built for horizontal lounging.

🎥 5. Scary Movies: Why Pay to Suffer?

Some people love scary movies because they enjoy the adrenaline. I enjoy not having nightmares for six to eight business days.

If I watch a horror movie, I become a full-time paranormal investigator in my own home. Every creak? Ghost. Every shadow? Demon. Every poodle staring into the corner like they see something? I’m moving.

I don’t need fictional terror. My life is scary enough.

🌿 Final Thoughts

Fear is a natural part of being human, and honestly, mine keep life interesting. They also give my family endless entertainment, which I consider a public service.

If you share any of these fears, welcome to the club. We meet weekly. Snacks provided. Balloons strictly forbidden.